Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 
Inanimate Ire

I'm beginning to suspect that the Evidence mice are already on to me, and are arranging it to ensure that I slowly spiral into a churning vortex of destruction. That, or I was just clumsier than usual yesterday. Now I'm always one for mocking myself, but it's hard to laugh when the things that are mocking you are not in possession of any sort of will, soul or personality.

Again, I blame the Evidence mice.

It all began in a mall. After having used the restroom facilities, I realized I was in dire need of a drink of water. Enter the water fountain situated right in the washroom corridor. I saunter over, and notice that there is no push handle on it; this fountain is motion-sensitive. Or at least, that's what it would have me believe.

The man in front of me had no problem getting a long drink of water. He leaves. I walk up to the fountain, right in front of the sensor. Nothing happens. I grow annoyed. I shake my hips, lean from side to side and wave my hand in front of the sensor. Still no water. I grow agitated.

Then the man who was drinking at the fountain before me notices my plight. Being the kind Canadian he is, he comes back and patiently explains to me that there's a trick with this fountain. Apparently I have to stand right in front of it, with my hand placed on the underside of the outer right corner.

After two failed attempts, I achieved the seemingly impossible: water emerged from the fountain! Joyousness! I thanked the man and leaned over so I could drink from the stream. And just as I bent over...the water was cut off. Annoyed, I went back to standing position. The water suddenly came flowing out from the fountain. By now I was growing suspicious. I leaned over to drink...and the water gets cut off before my lips can touch it.

Then the kind man who had already helped me out once turned around and tried his best to help me out again. It was met with minimal success. I managed two brief sips of water before deciding that two sips was better than being arrested for having ripped the damned fountain out of the wall and beaten it to death against the nearest sidewalk.

Mel would like to add here that according to her theory, I'm "too skinny! The sensors can't sense you!" Which proves vastly amusing given how much I eat on a daily basis.

But the indignity did not stop there, oh no. Later that night, we were at a grocery store when the Evidence mice struck again. I got the pleasure of choosing a shopping cart, which was one of those carts that holds a quarter hostage while you use it, and has those insta-locks on the wheels should you take it beyond the boundaries of the parking lot.

By the time we've finished with the fruits & vegetables and bread area, it became widely apparent that this grocery cart did not want to obey me. It staggered through the aisles like some drunken Madrid bull, uncertain of whether it wanted to ram into the display of breakfast cereals or mow the little kid over. And there I am desperately trying to rein in its "CART SMASH!" impulses.

Now I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Why not just wheel the cart back out and get a replacement?" Well, the obvious answer is: "But that would make too much sense, dammit!" Yet by the time we realized we had a possessed cart on our hands, the cart was already half-full of groceries. And the grocery stores have this problem with you wheeling a cart full of food past their tills without paying. In order to get a new cart, we would have had to empty out our current one, stacked all the groceries in a pile somewhere to ensure no one else stole or mowed them down, and then done the epic circuit around the store.

So alas, I was stuck with the gimp cart. I swear, if there was something the damned cart could smash into, it automatically veered towards it. And it never let up! For a good half-hour I was fighting with this cart. If I wanted to go left, it wanted to go right. And right into the nearest shelving unit, I might add.

We emerged from this escapade with me rather exhausted and wanting to beat the little cart against the ground for its blatant impudence. This marks the second of two instances that inanimate objects are rebelling against the natural order. Which unto itself is frightening given how inanimate objects shouldn't be able to rebel in the first place.

Could this just be coincidence? Perhaps, but in light of yesterday's Evidence mice, I fear that this is merely an ominous forebearer of things to come.

Today's Lesson: just because a keybpoard is toted as "ergonomic" doesn't mean it's any easier to type on it.


posted by Phillip at 8:08 AM